I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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