I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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