I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
