sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Houston, we have a blender
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Sext me about skeletons
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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