i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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