i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
