I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
