she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
