we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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