you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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