So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
