I am in a vortex of obligation.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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