Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
