Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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