We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
