I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
