im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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