When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize