TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
