i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
