My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
