Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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