You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
This is classic penis vs brain.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
