either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
