why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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