I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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