I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
