note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
