I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize