someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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