Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
