Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
