shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
