Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
