I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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