god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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