im having a threesome with these popsicles
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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