Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
