what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
