How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
