Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
