i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
