I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
