So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
