He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We have so much sex to catch up on
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
