Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
