I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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