allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We're too hungover to prance.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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