You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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