Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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